22 Jul 2008
BIG BROTHER'S LITTLE BITCH! JULY 22
Intolerable boredom thy name is Big Brother. Chas has being in a coma with a sign on her bed saying ‘Do not resuscitate until something fucking happens’ for the last fortnight. Maysoon tipped Chas over the edge; she’s so non-descript Chas couldn’t pick the bitch out in a line-up of one. But finally something happened! Hallelujah! The housemates got off their useless asses and nominated!
Chas says: Maysoon? May-soon she get booted out the BB house and spread the blight of blandness elsewhere. It hard enough to fucking stay awake as it is.
As a brief catch up: Darnell was ousted in a bloodless coup (it was done by smothering), leaving the position of resident Furher up for grabs. A chance to abuse a meaningless, minor position? Count Duh, Dale in (Well in the absence of a geek’s head to flush down the toilet, what else can a guy of limited intelligent do to impress the chicks?). The task involved sitting on a tyre for as long as possible (being more bovine than simian, Chubecca lasted only 6 mins) and unsurprisingly, the monkey-faced troglodyte won making him this week’s Head Of House.
Chas says: Dale, you swan around the house as if you were Daniel Craig, but trust me pal, you ain’t even George Lazenby. Back to snatching handbags along Mersey for you cretinous scally.
This week it’s Casper the Friendly African American albino versus Mobese versus Chubecca. Mobese is so fat he is in danger of getting hit in the face with a bottle of Bollinger and launched by the Queen if he ain’t careful, but there’s a (slightly) bigger whale to fry this week namely Bex, the fleshy flasher herself. May she be struck down with such a case of severe bout of gout that both her fat feet fall off!
Chas says: Back to the lake with you Chubecca – the tourists at Loch Ness miss you. Or failing that a galaxy far, far, far away. Either way, get your fat ass to a gym and lose some weight, ‘cos you’re the fattest thing Chas has ever seen and she’s been on safari.