29 Jul 2008
BIG BROTHER'S LITTLE BITCH! JULY 29
Big Brother has become so tedious of late that nothing short of a car battery to the genitals could revive Chas. Well, that or a multi-eviction bonanza!
This scandalous eviction twist (which is not entirely surprising considering Channel 4 is losing viewers faster than Amy Winehouse is losing teeth) is a direct result of Sunday night’s events; the Heavenly Housemates got to see the Hell boys and girls’ VT’s (that annoying garbage you see before the housemates head in).
Duh Dale – one half of what Chas likes to call the Dystrophic Duo - was revealed to be a complete crotch fiend (his exact words were: “If there’s any fanny in that house, I’ll nail it”.) Hmm..can you hear that readers? That is the sound of no-one being surprised. Anyone who saw him piss a little territorial circle around Jen (‘member her??) every night for 3 weeks should be aware of this fact. And yet, the housemates were actually shocked to learn this and so now whenever Dale enters the room the womenfolk shriek hysterically and clutch their rape whistles.
He also said he’d stab everyone in the back for the “’undred grand”, but people were less surprised by this part, what with him being a Scouser an' all.
All these revelations made the housemates forget the FUNDEMENTAL RULES of BB and talk about nominations, leading all of them except Mikey Blunkett, Glamzilla and the Gal from Oz with the massive schnozz, to be nominated for eviction.
In other news, Darnell AKA Casper the Friendly Gangster has multiple personalities, all of them pale and all of them angry. BB should encourage him to lend one to Maysoon ‘cos she’s still a complete fucking dullard. Luke the Eunuch is still missing Webecca tewwibly.
Chas says: Clearly Luke is inconsolable at the thought of having to once again pay obese prostitutes to squash him – no more fweebies fwom Webecca!
Chas says: Nine people up for nomination? A nominations pod? What’s next, BB producers? Evil twins? A Demonic possession task?! All Chas will say is this: she loves BB but will draw the line at a Bobby Ewing-in-the-shower type plot twist.