07 Jan 2009
CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER'S LITTLE BITCH!
(Alleged) 'Celebrity' Big Brother is back and the first couple of days were so tediously polite that Chas had a pencil up her nose and was ready to face-plant her desk. But then Shameless scouse Tina Malone (let's call her 'Mega Me') heard Coolio (let's call him CooliOAP) laughing at her and Chas reconised the unmistakeable air of impending conflict! 'Citing, as Russell Brand might say!
Mega Me (Chas' favourite contestant for her willingness to abandon the flimsy pretence of niceness almost as soon as she crossed the threshold of the gaff) heard Coolio laugh when Liberty X Geordie Michelle Heaton told her she looked like "the princess from Shrek" of course Heaton claimed she meant the princess pre- Ogrification but that was clearly a lie to save her from the whirlwind that was Mega Me's rage. It was exactly like the scene from Goodfellas where Joe Pesci says "What do you mean I'm funny?" So tense it could've been directed by Hitchcock.
Anyway, CooliOAP laughed - and why wouldn't he? They gave her an exact replica of the dress so someone would draw the inevitable comparison! - and Mega Me seethed. She retaliated in the smoking area with an attempted impression of CooliOAP but her poor attempt at a gangster accent led to BB calling her to the Diary Room and inquiring as to whether she had had a stroke.
The other housemates are less entertaining, but could prove interesting given enough time, sleep deprivation and time to bitch. Already Ulrika (AKA Sexaholics-not-so-Anonymous) has turned out to be funnier that one might expect a thrice-divorced,manic-depressive to be by calling Ben out on his spoof-working class notions "I came from a really poor background...In fact, this one time, at boarding school..."
Chas is liking LaToya. She is silent 90% of the time and only opens her mouth to reveal tantalisingly disturbing nuggets about her domestic-violence filled past. Mega Me and LaToya even traded domestic abuse stories. Latoya's was good but Mega Me will be outdone by no-one! "You think you had it bad? The things I've seen..." It was like Duelling Banjos only with violence instead of tinny music.
Chas says: Buckle up...it's going to be a bumpy fortnight!
