27 May 2009
A BRIEF HISTORY OF BIG BROTHER
It’s almost time. Divorce thy spouse, take the redundancy
deal, farm the little ‘uns out to Social Services like the other junkies and
get moulding the arse-groove in the couch ‘cos Big Brother (or as Chas likes to
call it ’The Big Chance to make a show of thyself in front of 6,6978
unflattering cameras’ Show) is back.
Evolutionarily speaking, BB has morphed over the years to
reflect shifts in societal mores. In season 1, there were chickens, one bad guy
and a cheery Scouser. In season 2, there were also chickens, some gays and some
retards (sample dialogue: “I likes blinkin’, I do!”)Season 3 had some body
builders and in lieu of chickens, Jade Goody.
It really said something about Channel 4’s faith in their BB
contestants when they stopped putting chickens in the house. Specifically, it
said ‘You guys are so mentally
enfeebled that even the up-keep of a simple chicken (which only requires what?a
handful of grain a day?) is beyond your limited capabilities.’
Or maybe the BB bosses feared the inevitable bestiality
storyline that would’ve followed? Either way, racism and the exploitation of
idiots is okay, but mistreatment of chickens (themselves nature’s BB
contestants in Chas’ eyes) is not.
Season 4 was so dull that all Chas can conjure when she
thinks of it is a beige screen and some white noise. This was the year Cameron
Stout the creepy Christian from some obscure sheep-raping island off the coast
of Scotland won. Christian Cameron was a 39-year-old virgin who sported lame
wristbands that said ‘WWJD’ (which Dermot O also began sporting on BBLB…What would Jesus Do, Dermot? COME OUT OF THE
CLOSET, THAT’S WHAT!)
On to Season 5: aka Nadia-gate. Yes, the public knew she was
a post-op transsexual, but would the housemates be astutely observant enough to
notice her askew boobs, masculine jaw line and penchant for crotch-scratching?
For the most part, no. Of course all the alpha-apes (like the Scottish
meat-head and the black guy who got all the cold showers) said they knew but they
were humming a different choon during the naked Jacuzzi sessions as Chas
remembers. This was also the year of ‘The BB Bedsit’ and the infamous food ‘n’
fist-fight where the Po-po were actually called. In Chas’ view this is where
CH4 goofed – a squabble between retarded knackers can only be resolved by the
likes of Chas’ arch-nemesis Jeremy Kyle. That way at least they could’ve kept
streaming.
Season 6 was a zinger – this was the year of Ant-nee and
Craig. Chas will never forget that most poignant of all moments where Ant-nee,
stumbling blindly whilst pissed and wearing only boxers, puked into a serving
bowl as Craig stroked his hair and said “You have no idea how much I love you”.
Also present for this touching display was Kinga I think, but she was otherwise
involved in her own romantic endeavours with a ’67 bottle of Chateau La Tour.
Ah, young love.
Next was Season 7, with twitchy Tourette’s sufferer Pete and
Nicki (“Who IS she?! Who IS she?!”) Hmmmm, there was also some Welsh people and
that geriatric granny who constantly lounged in the pool deep-throating
carrots. Then there was Brian and Samanda in Season 8 (possibly the only BB
housemate to piss the bed and still go on to win). This was also the season of
Charlie the mega-bitch (Chas fondly remembers her as Snarlie).
Which brings us neatly to last year’s winner Rachel
Non-Descripty. Hers was a rather hollow victory, considering she was virtually
the only one left in the competition after everyone else got booted for
spitting/being too racist/bullying/not being racist enough etc.
Chas says: You've come a long way baby. Just a bit further and you'll be over the edge for good *sniff*