TRAVEL
The 5 Minute Guide To... Torremolinos
Spain's first gay resort of Torremolinos is throwing off the negative image of its past, and now deserves to rejoin the ranks of homo holiday hotspots. Stephen Meyler explores the original of the species.
Before the era of cheapo flights that get you (almost) to your destination of choice, Torremolinos was many Irish people's first experience of 'foreign'. As a result, the Costa del Sol resort became a byword for the way we used to holiday; two weeks of blisters, beer and blind-drunk Brits.
Nowadays, of course, trips abroad are all about one-upmanship - the smug 'Ulaanbaatar - you mean you haven't been?' of world travellers is the only acceptable way to talk about your holliers. But sometimes you just don't want to explore the mountain villages of Bolivia or 'experience' Korea - the weather's rubbish, you've been working 25 hours a day and all you really want to do is get on a plane and be lying on a sun-drenched beach boy in a couple of hours.
Which is exactly the reason Torremolinos exists. Before package holidays, there was nothing there except miles of beautiful beaches and a broken windmill. That was replaced by tower blocks, the bangers 'n' chips cafs opened and its reputation, if it ever had one, went down the tubes. A lot of the jerrybuilt concrete ugliness faded very fast and, as long as the hordes continued to be easy to please, the city didn't really look after itself. But since the '90s, there's been a transformation.
The Ballymun-style buildings are still there, but they're full of reasonable rooms; the hundreds of bars and restaurants are still there, but the owners have realised they're living in Spain, and now actually serve Spanish food, and the bargain-basement gangs have many other resorts to descend on.
Now, Torremolinos remains one of Spain's liveliest resorts; but most non-Spanish visitors go home at the end of August, leaving it to Madrileños, who flock to the place; the beaches are clean and superbly serviced and it's got the biggest gay scene in all of Andalucia. So big that the gays of Málaga, Marbella and Puerto Banus spend their weekends there, with the result that the gay scene in other towns on the coast is surprisingly small. In fact, Puerto Banus' only gay bar closed down during this summer.
The city has been doing major work to help the new brand along. Among the tower blocks, there are now pretty pedestrianised shopping streets where the only things that will be difficult to find are donkeys with hats and flamenco dancer toilet-roll covers. The hotels have been going up-market, but this not being Ireland, five-star standards are not going to make your plastic bleed. Essential for shade the morning after a night on the rip, parks and green spaces have sprung up everywhere and they've even developed forests in the suburbs, where you can do things with raw meat and tongs, if that's your particular interest.
Away from the main drag of Calle San Miguel, in La Carihuela, El Calvario or the old fishing district of El Bajondillo, you'll find actual Andalucians eating actual Spanish meals and taking an actual Spanish paseo! La Carihuela also has some excellent beachfront bars, known as chiringuitos, where it's eminently desirable to watch the passing thongs over sangria.
Since it was designed for hassle-free holidays, the town is very easy to get to. Fly to Málaga airport with whichever airline desperate for your business you have chosen, nip across the road from the main exit and catch the train to the centre of Torremolinos in 20 minutes. If you are staying longer and choose to drive (car hire remains relatively cheap), it's 15 minutes away.
A car is pretty much essential if you want to venture further west to Marbella, for grown-up eating and shopping or to Puerto Banus, to laugh at Eurotrash in its natural habitat. Be warned, however; the alarmingly curved coastal motorway, the Autovia del Mediterráneo, is a deep-end introduction to Spanish driving habits.
Homosexually, Torremolinos preserves some of its mass holiday charm. After a day assiduously applying sun block on the beach (the official gay bit at Playa Cabopino is a car-happy 10km west of the centre but, if the reaction to my Speedos is anything to go by, many queers can't be bothered and plonk down wherever their fancy takes them), it's time to grab some food and head for the gay area of La Nogalera.
In this 'centro comercial', just off Calle San Miguel, you'll find the usual mix of venues you'd expect in any gaytown in Europe - bars with old-fashioned drag queens belting out Spanish torch songs; boy bars with lots of UV, deafening music and go-go dancers or strippers; quieter café bars with extensive outdoor seating and, of course, a German-owned bear bar. Worth a visit is Contacto, a small, slightly older place, where the owner gradually dons drag while serving drinks, until service is halted for a performance that involves lots of bar-top gymnastics and low-flying stilettos.
Women are catered for in fewer places; the Anfora and Bar Brujas are the places to head for. Downstairs at the Partenon is very clubby, but in La Nogalera, the biggest club is Emporio - expect brash mainstream dance music and lots of sweaty torsos. Just north of La Nogalera are two very large clubs; Palladium and Passion, both on Avenida Palma de Mallorca. As in the rest of Spain, different places go from empty to jammed according to their own logic, so a wander about is always recommended.
THE VERY BEST...
HOTEL: HOTEL EL POZO, Calle Casablanca 2, 0034 95 238 06 22.
A small cheap and cheerful hotel just around the corner from La Nogalera, where the long-suffering night (and morning) staff have seen it all. Its claim to fame was an appearance in //EastEnders// - check out the pictures of the cast on the walls.
BAR: BAR ESTRELLA, La Nogalera.
Strategically situated on a cruisy corner, this is a newish addition to La Nogalera and you're likely to end up at this large café bar at some point on your night out. Make sure to try their mixed shots.
CLUB: EMPORIOClub, La Nogalera.
By about 2 or 3 am, the clubs have started to fill up, and the best bet in the gay area is also the biggest. Expect happy house, with international circuit DJs, go-go dancing and very rude drag shows (well, rude if your gutter Spanish is good).
SAUNA: TERMAS APOLO, Avenida Carlota Alessandri, 105.
The largest and best kept of Torremolinos' palaces of steam. Large café area, and all the usual booths, Jacuzzi, steam room and massage services.
CRUISING: La Nogalera.
The strip remains pretty cruisy in the quiet early hours, but the Sea front promenade from the bottom of the steps alongside the Red Lion Pub has something going on night and day. Also behind the gay nudist beach at Playa Cabopino, but cars going down to the beach will get tickets, regardless of the hour.