13 Jul 2008
BIG BROTHER'S LITTLE BITCH! JULY 13
Finally, Mario has been removed to the big Health and Safety conference in the sky (metaphorically speaking) leaving Little Orphan Mikey to switch from breast to bottled milk and Lisa to stare blandly into space in the exact way she has always done over the last 5 weeks. Chas wonders: Is Lisa earnestly fulfilling her parting promise to Mario (“Don’t let ‘em see they’ve oop-set ya luv!”) or is she actually devoid of any functioning critical thinking faculties? “The universe wants you to go babe”, Lisa serenely commented, upon hearing news of Mario’s impending exit.
Chas says: Lisa, obviously every person with access to a phone and permission from the bill-payer wanted Mar out this week. Switch your personality dial from ‘coma’ to ‘on’ please 'cos you’re so dull, you make fucking Dull Dale look interesting.
In other news, Rex has turned all Dr Pepper and Mr Synde. Along with insulting Mo(bese) he shattered the final taboo and vocalised what everyone was thinking when he told Mikey to dislodge himself from Luke’s anus before dispensing Head of House election advise. Meow! Saucer of milk, disabled accesss table for two, please!
The Head of House comp itself was a rather flaccid affair particularly the electoral speeches which were delivered with all the elegance of a 19th Century cockerney boot- black. All except for Casper the Friendly Gangster; Homie kept it real and his oratorical elegance evoked shades of early Tupac with a hint of Tony Blair.
Elsewhere Mo(bese) bemoaned the lack of Halal meat in the shopping. Ha! Chas says: you can’t be an ‘al a carte’ Muslim boozing, smoking, farting etc – you're either observant or you’re not, and frankly suggesting that £6 of the meagre budget gets spent on Farmer Hezbollah’s Halal sausages for your fat arse is ludicrous! You can’t have your Halal and ride it too, Mo.
Chubecca, Chubecca, Chubecca..Chas suggests you take a night off, lest your overworked heart give way beneath your ample frame. Rest assured in your endless quest for ‘footage’ by this stage of the game you have been captured on film more times that Britney’s snatch.
Chas says: Pregzilla aka Davina, Chas knows you’re stealing lines from her blog so she's warning you now: Cease immediately or she’ll pay one of the gypsies on O’Connell St to put a curse on you so your next child is born with horns! She means it now.