05 Jun 2009
BIG BROTHER'S LITTLE BITCH: DAY 1
Oh lawdy. Last night was BB launch night and never has Chas
seen a BB season kick-off in such exquisitely humiliating style!
Let’s start with with our (semi) contestants. Chas says
“semi” because they are not fully-fledged housemates just yet. They must
prostrate themselves before the big eye in the sky and drop all dignity first!
And luckily two of them already have but more on that later..
This year’s retard role-call is thus:
1. Freddy (23) Entrepreneur. He’s posh. Very posh. Obviously
BB are desperate to capitalise on the Rex Factor. Sample quote: “I vote Tory
but I’m an anarchist at heart.” HA! The British public to love to taunt the
upper-classes, but Chas likes Freddy (for now anyway). He has a Ben Fogle from
Animal Park-type of charm.
2. Lisa (41) Unemployed. *Sigh* Every year Chas says a little
prayer to our Lord Buffy Sommers and implores her to send an attractive lesbian
into Big Brother. Every year she declines. This year has been no different –
Lisa is a dykey, pierced, tin-eared piece of baggage (is there anything less
attractive than that nasal Birmingham accent?!), with no chest. Seriously.
3. Sophie (20) Model. Luckily for Lisa, smoking hot Sophie
brought enough breasts for everyone in the house, with a brassier popping 30GG!
4. Kris (24) ‘Visual Merchandiser’ (read: shelf-stacker at
some pretentious Urban Outfitters type shop) with a ludicrously curly,
pube-looking barnet. Disgusting. Sample quote: “Girls dig curls and thin is
in.” Douchebag. Friendly with Dykezillla
5. Noirín (24) Irish. Christian. Kinda of like a female Ross
O’Carroll Kelly. Smokin’ hot and ballsy to boot – last night on the live show
she let Ricardo shave off her eyebrows to guarantee her admission to the BB
house! Chas doesn’t usually go for chicks with balls, but for Norin she’s make
an exception. LOIKE, GO ON THE DUBS, YA!
6. Carron (18) Student. This year’s token American
gang-banger (probably). A member of the shaved-eye brow posse, Carron reminds
Chas of a Darnell/ Spiral hybrid (Only black obviously.)
At this point it must be noted that Davina’s launch outfit
was hideous and utterly unsuitable (unless what she was hoping to launch was the
nation - into a fit of vomiting). It was a nipple exposing, black cling-film
number.
Chas says: it was so bad it almost turned Chas straight!
But Chas digresses:
8. Angel (35) Proffesional Boxer & Artist. She’s
Russian. And in an attic somewhere there is a picture of her getting younger.
Scary.
9. Karly (21) Unemployed. Generic WAG-wannabe. Chas is bored
of her already.
10. Marcus(35) Window Fitter. This guy reckons he looks like
Wolverine, when in fact he looks more like Worzel Gummage. For starters, Wolvie
would never be caught dead with a arse-length pony tail. Also, Wolverine lives
in the X Mansion not in his momma’s basement.
11. Sophia (26) Banking something. MINORITY-TASTIC! She’s
black AND a little person (the nice kind, not the creepily lascivious Verne
Troyer-kind). She makes Chas laugh with her little Gremilins-esque giggle. A
lot.
12. Rodrigo (23) Student. Hmmmm. He’s cute. He’s Brazillian.
He says he’s a bisexual. Chas says nuh-uh – he’s gayer than Eurovision.
13. Charlie (22) Job Centre Advisor. A former Mr Gay
Newcastle. He’s a twinkly-eyed, Geordie who “hasn’t got a bad bone in me
body..except for me boyfriend’s last night” Positively Wildean.
14. Saffia (27) Dental Nurse. Two kids. Two different
baby-daddy’s. Ho.
15. Sree (25) Indian exchange student from em, India.
Virgin.
16. Siavash (23) Events Organiser. Iranian originally but
now he’s a naturalised citizen of Deluded Imbecile Land. He sports a rather
hilarious silent movie baddie type of twiddle moustache. Twat.
17. Beinazir (28) Receptionist. Seriously, why do people go
into Big Brother and say garbage like “I’m a devoted Muslim/Catholic/Hindu but
I don’t go to church/mosque/etc and I like to drink/smoke/wantonly fornicate
with my peers” That would be like Chas claiming she weights 8 pounds because
that’s what she weighed when she was born. Illogical!
So, definite housemates so far are: Ricardo (the Brazillian)
Norin O Carroll Kelly, the Mohawk-sporting lezzer and the pube head.
Chas says: Stay tuned for Chas’ daily BB vivisections
updates on GCN.ie, Twitter and Facebook!