RELATIONSHIPS
Boyfriend Breakdown
I think my boyfriend is having a mental breakdown and no matter what I say, he's not willing to get help
Dear Ray,
I've been in a relationship for almost 12 years with the same man and for the most part we have been very happy. Unfortunately my partner had a nervous breakdown two years ago, due to work pressure combined with a family bereavement. Over the past two years I have done my best to be there in every way possible for him and for the most part I believe my support has played a large part in his recovery.
My problem is that over the past few months my partner has been displaying symptoms similar to those that led to his breakdown. He is back in the workplace and having great difficulties there, both in dealing with the workload and his boss. At home he has a lot of nervous energy and he keeps turning on me for no reason whatsoever. For instance, if I forget something he wants in the supermarket shopping, he gives me the silent treatment for ages, until I prize out of him what's wrong. It always turns out that he believes I've done these small things on purpose, and they become enormous slights in his mind.
I have asked him to go back to see his GP about this and to speak about more psychiatric help - maybe going on medication again, but he is absolutely resistant to this. I love him very much, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. This believe that I'm persecuting him goes on every day at this stage, and I fear he is about to loose his job.
If he's not willing to get help, how can I help this relationship survive? Right now I'm feeling very tired and I find myself fantasising about walking out.
Yours,
Roddy, Dublin 17
Dear Roddy,
Illness never just affects the person who is ill, but also the people around them; with mental illness it is oftentimes even more tragic, as the person suffering may not even know or understand they are ill; though it is all too apparent and real for those around them. This runs through the whole spectrum of mental illnesses, from the heartrending poignancy of living with those living with Alzheimer's, to the bleak paralysis of trying to reach those suffering with depression, through to the unpredictable knife-edge of life with those diagnosed bi-polar.
I understand your concern, and understand why asking his GP, speaking more about psychiatric help, or maybe going on medication again, may seem like obvious answers. But there is an important point - your partner "is absolutely resistant to this". One of the things under-discussed around mental health issues are the consequences of the psychiatric model. With a few tremendous exceptions, it is a very depersonalised and impersonal approach, with patients being seen on an out-patient basis on a fortnightly or monthly basis for 'check-ups'.
Gay men and lesbians can also find themselves, and their partners, and lifestyles even more marginalised or stigmatised under this model. In terms of medication, there is often no proper discussion of the side-effects around energy, mood, libido; and all too often there is little invitation to the consent and participation of the client.
Your partner is "absolutely resistant" from fear, and you could help draw out his fears by talking about this rather than being prescriptive yourself.
You recognise yourself that over the last two years: "I believe my support has played a large part in his recovery," and you would be right. This personal, human support is much underestimated, by the medics particularly, in terms of its power to help alongside the psychiatric interventions.
Now you must support him again, but allow the problem to be yours, rather than his: share your fears, your story around the breakdown, not in an antagonistic, confrontational manner, but in an honest, sensitive, personal manner, sharing the effects and consequences not just for you, but also for your relationship. Think or write this out before approaching the conversation to really understand and feel what has happened for you. This way your partner may come to understand that what is happening, is happening for both of you and to both of you.
Both of you could do with some help, and seeking professional support as individuals, or as a couple, would also help ease the pressure on both of you. This would also be a sign to your partner about your own willingness to be vulnerable, to share, rather than feeding an underlying anxiety and paranoia within him. He wants to know and trust that in the relationship you are committed, not that you might have him committed.
Your partner is not a project, an experiment to "prize out of him what's wrong". This just objectifies him as an illness, a disorder, a label, the way the psychiatric profession has done. He is a human being and deserves to be treated as such. Medication may manage the symptoms but it does not heal, only support, talking, openness, time and space can do this. And the side effects that come from offering this type of treatment are ones that can only help and build your relationship, together.
Best of Luck,
Ray