RELATIONSHIPS
One-Night Stand Nerves
Our agony uncle, Ray comes to the aid of a GCN member who gets so nervous before a one night stand, he can't stop shaking.
Dear Ray,
I'm single but I get plenty of offers for one-night-stands. When the time comes,
I get very nervous and start shaking badly. Would you know why? Is it a
psychological thing?
Ray answers:
The first question always to be asked is what is it you really want in order to
understand what it is that you are nervous about? It is human psychology that
what we fear, at some level is what we desire; and similarly what we desire is
something that we also fear. This explains why as human beings we put so many
barriers in the way of our own happiness and fulfillment.
Do you actually want one night stands? What is it that makes you nervous and
shake? Is it the idea of the sex? Is it the being physical with another? Is it
concern over your performance? Is there a wish for something more in your one
night stands?
I ask because you say you get plenty of offers, but not that you necessarily
seek them yourself. What is it you offer? Or want to offer?
One-night stands dominate male sexual culture and in gay male sexual culture it
is doubled. Relationships and intimacy and love are not priortised in a
homophobic patriarchal culture that denies us love, labelling us perverts on
the grounds of our cocks, and not our souls.
And capitalist hyperreality demands we pay the pink pound on disposable consumerist McSex rather than anything more substantial, that might cost/spend more emotionally but from which they can make no profit.
It is a psychological thing, but remember that psyche is the greek word for
soul. Something in your spirit, your Self, is not happy/satisfied/fulfilled/met,
that is why you resist, and that is why you asked the question.
Now that you have had the courage to ask this first question; can you find the
courage to ask the next?
Ray is a psychoanalytic psychotherapist specialising in individual and relationship counselling. He can be contacted on 086 828 0033 or visit www.machna.ie